Generally speaking – from what I've seen at least, the older you get, the fewer friends you seem to have. You naturally move apart, your lives go in different directions, your friends all get married and you find yourself with your wife as your only companion. Eventually, one of you dies and you're left living by yourself in a house you can't afford to heat and annoy checkout girls by trying to hold a lengthy conversation when buying a single can of prunes because nobody ever visits you and your house smells of cat pee. Pessimistic perhaps, but also a damn good argument against monogamy too...
When I left school, I remember thinking how things would be different for me as I had most of the school friends I cared about on MSN Messenger so I could keep in touch with them no matter what happened. Then of course, Facebook came about and suddenly I found myself connected with everyone I'd ever known, met or glanced across a room at.
Despite having all these different ways to keep in touch it's amazing how I have very little interest in doing so. Very quickly after leaving school – I worked out that the only thing I had in common with a large proportion of my school friends, was that I went to school with them and that I didn't particlarly miss them.
This natural occurance of gaining friends and losing friends, is part of the transitions we make through life. By never letting go and clinging on to the past, it can stop you moving forward.
A few months ago, I decided to start culling my Facebook friends. Journalists who had added me only because they knew of me, riders who went on a ride with me, but never actually spoke to me - and school friends that I didn't particularly like then – so why would I like them now?
I managed to get rid of 50-75 of the obvious ones, but beyond that – I really struggled to decide. The problem is – you lose friends naturally. You would never really go out of your way to decide not to befriend someone. So when you look through a list of them, it's easy to get nostalgic and leave it be.
So why not mimick this natural action of friends fading away? Wouldn't it be great if facebook removed friends automatically – or at very least suggested friend removal for those that you haven't interacted with in say the last 3 years?
Interaction could be, being tagged in a photo with them, messaging each other, commenting on something – you get the idea. It doesn't have to be much, just enough to know you're involved. I reckon my Facebook friends would cut down to 1/5 of what it is currently and I'd probably interact more with who was left. If you don't notice they are missing – you have to wonder - are you really friends with them at all?
I don't think this is the best solution – but I do consider this to be a problem that someone needs to address so that by the time I'm 70, I'm not old and lonely and I've not got more “friends” than hairs on my head...
Interesting post Andrew - I think this is a really pertinent topic, as our relationships evolve with regards to these kind of forces.
I'm not sure I'm clear about the problem you're trying to solve though.
I 100% agree with "By never letting go and clinging on to the past, it can stop you moving forward." (as it happens I went on a course on exactly that this last weekend).
But how does having a friends list of even 1000 do that? I think the "fault" (if there is one), lies with the individual, and how you choose to interact with those pseudo-friends. You alone choose whether to be held back.
Why cull them? Facebook already takes note of your "real friends" and prioritizes them behind the scenes (I heard a FB techie talking about how they record who you actually interact with, and its exactly as you say - watching who you comment on etc.). I think we'll see more of that, and interfaces will continue to evolve such that the "dead wood" doesn't impede your experience in any way.
The funny thing I've found is that 95% of school friends (etc.) on my FB I never interact with. But every now and again, I'll connect with one of them on a totally unexpected topic, and its a really serendipitous feeling.
Any one of your journo non-friends for example could potentially turn into a proper friend at some point in the future, offering real value. By culling, you eliminate that possiblity - yes?
You make a good point here. For me, Facebook only held an interest while I was still adding friends. Once I'd added everyone I knew, it was 'game over', as the games and other apps didn't really appeal to me. I honestly can't remember when I last logged in to Facebook.
Twitter's model works much better for me. Out of my 150 followers/friends on Twitter, I've probably only met about a dozen in person. I follow people whose tweets I find interesting, rather than those with whom I just happen to share a common past. For this reason, I think Twitter has more longevity.
Intresting idea Spode...We do not have to add anybody to our contact but it is kind of rude attitude not to do it, right?
But there are so many people who love to collect "friends" not to be updated but to update, to promote themselves. I wonder how did they do it without Facebook, Twitter, Internet generally speaking...
I remember when Facebook was closed to the public and to join you needed an email address from one of the supported universities. Then one day, much to our excitement, Kent University was added and just because it was so much grander people quickly forgot about The Student Bar - a popular UK competitor.
The team at Facebook have completely forgotten Zuckerberg's original vision of a student network, and the tool it has become is one that I find myself using far less now. I'm sure if I restarted and begun using the site to find interesting new people then I would get along great, but I have Twitter for that.
All my friends from university life are on Facebook, and there are even a few from as far back as secondary school. I like knowing that if I ever needed to get in touch with those people then I can sign in to Facebook and message them. It has de-cluttered my email contacts and archived some photos from the days when we toasted to "the nights you'll never remember with friends you'll never forget".
Facebook serves me by being the site for maintaining contact with friends who I have relationships with that were initiated offline. There are now two meanings for any word that describes social interaction - an offline meaning and an online meaning. A real friend is someone you meet for lunch or a coffee, who you can call for a chat, and whose birthday you know without help from a notification window. Sharing is supposed to involve self-sacrifice, and not be about self-promotion. I digress.
Social networking sites offer us another tool kit for managing who we know and how we interact with them. It's not the fault of that particular site and its creators if you find yourself needing to prune your friend lists. But as is becoming more common, and very noticeable on Twitter, online culture is growing to favour the popularity contests, as though quantity somehow improves quality.
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